Don’t Be Sorry, Be Grateful in Professional Communication
Saying “sorry” can sometimes feel like a reflex. Whether you accidentally bump into someone on the street, forget to text a friend back, or miss a deadline at work, the remedy the situation is often the same: apologize. This is especially the case for women. But not for the reason you may think.
Research has found women are more likely to apologize, not because we’re more thoughtful than men but because we have a lower threshold of what we think deserves an apology. Men and women apologize at the same rate when they think their actions are offensive – women are just more likely to think their actions warrant an apology.
So, how can this impact your career trajectory?
When it comes to the professional world, there are a lot of reasons to reassess our threshold for what merits an apology.
- People lose respect for – or may take advantage of – individuals who over-apologize. (@beverlyengel, The Power of an Apology)
- Individuals who apologize less frequently are found to have higher self esteem. (European Journal of Social Psychology)
- Apologetic language can get in the way of successful negotiations. (Dr. Deborah Tannen, Talking from 9 to 5)
- Frequent apologies can diminish your credibility and shift the power balance of your professional relationships. (@genejmarks in Entrepreneur)
Any of these – often subconscious – reasons could impact how quickly you advance within your company or how well you are received by customers. Promoting confidence in your professional interactions is key and you don’t want to do anything that will unnecessarily diminish your hard work and expertise.
“Thank you” is the new “sorry”.
While we may understand why we should limit our use of “sorry” in the workplace, cutting a word out of our vocabulary is easier said then done. An easy trick trick is to replace “sorry” with “thank you”.
Instead of: “I’m sorry I was unclear on the assignment.”
Try: “Thank you for taking extra time to explain the assignment to me.
Written communication is often the easiest place to start this shift. Start by proofing your emails and text messages. Have you apologized unnecessarily? Perhaps change “sorry for my delayed response” to “thank you for your patience while I sorted out the answer to your question”. Once you get the hang of it in written communication, you may find yourself more naturally editing your responses in person as well.
Now for a disclaimer.
I’m not saying you should never apologize. In fact, cutting out “I’m sorry” may not be for everyone (I highly recommend Kristin Wong’s 2019 New York Times article “No, You Don’t Have to Stop Apologizing”).
Even in the professional world, there are plenty of times when an apology is appropriate. When you make a mistake, unintentionally hurt someone, or if an apology just feels like the right thing for you, you SHOULD say “sorry.” Empathy is an important personal and professional trait (and one that typically makes women stand out from our male counterparts) but there is a time and a place for apologies. And sometimes replacing “sorry” with “thank you” can create the same good will without cutting down your confidence.
Choosing wisely, especially early in your career, can help you stand out and move up.
This post is part of a series on how to improve your professional communication. Be sure to check out my other tips on how to communicate more effectively in the workplace.
